what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
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WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
[montage of me giving-up]
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
You deplete me
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right