My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
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Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n