me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
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My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo