My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
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The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Chemical wingman
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.