Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
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It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.