You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
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[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now