ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter