Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
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court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing