My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
You Might Also Like
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I am HOWLING at this
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.