I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
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Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert