My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
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only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.