i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
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I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.