We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
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Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
how to exercise your calf muscles
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.