8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
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“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.