You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
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“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
they really do be looking like this
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
what’s really going on
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.