I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
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OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Everyone’s family
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Saturday
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.