Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
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I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.