In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
You Might Also Like
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.