The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
You Might Also Like
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
My biological clock is wheezing.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Planet of the Apps.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.