Once again not all heroes wear capes
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Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
ok like just. call me at this point
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Breaking news:
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.