Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
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BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet