me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
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I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay