“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
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Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.