It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
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Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!