*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
You Might Also Like
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
dogs can find happiness so easily
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…