Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Every time.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
multitasking lunch