I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
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Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.