Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
just left a huge legacy in there
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles