Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
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who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.