Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
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The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
A roof is a house hat.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.