I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
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Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere