the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
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One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?