Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
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I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.