T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
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People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Awesome parenting 😂
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.