Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
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I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm