He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
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I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.