Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
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Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy