Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
You Might Also Like
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.