Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
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*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Woke up against my better judgement again
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
This is painfully accurate 😅
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em