date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
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7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
What is going on? 😅
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
best review i’ve ever seen
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.