Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
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Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life