As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
You Might Also Like
Flowers bee like
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!