Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.