“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
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CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
This anagram machine is out of order.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
she has a point
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.