I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
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I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
twitter is a journey
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.