God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
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Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I’m giving up for Lent.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
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Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot