me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Aaaa…CHOO!
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Girl, same.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves