Reporter: *ports again*
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[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.