why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
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One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie