4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
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People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
#dalle2
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom